Hurrah!

First day of work was today - & I had a great time. I'm sure it'll take a while to settle into the schedule, but it was a blast to get stuff done, meet new people & catch up with folks I worked with a few years ago.

Whew!

When life is full...

Spring in Seattle is a rainy affair. I'm heading out with my pal, Moll, to a museum tomorrow after realizing our afternoon at the sculpture garden will be a bit much, considering the weather. Moll and I schedule monthly dates throughout the year & recently were able to reconnect after a year or two of missing each other.

This evening, I'm testing a database mailing system I'm managing on a volunteer basis. After a few false starts, I've sent out the first email test for a big email blast early next month. This is a kick off, of sorts. I'm pushing to move to a new system & so am very interested in the results.

Today, J & I spent time getting the house back together after returning from our trip back east last week. We had the best time in North Carolina, celebrating his mom's birthday. Every day back east was a treat - the birthday stretched from one day to a "birthday season", we got to visit with the imediate family, grandparents, J's uncle and took many walks through Cape Fear's amazing wetlands.

While we were gone, J focused on getting our spring planting plan set up. He'd already cut back the grape vines, weeded the asparagus bed and the artichokes thus far - while I focused on pruning and ornamental plantings. We're hoping to increase our harvest this year; more carrots, potatoes, greens and the like. It would be nice to have more to share.

Before I left, I got a call saying my surgery was canceled for now. The doctor I'm working with sees potential she can't dismiss & although it points to a long slog down the line, it's very good news for me.

Finally, I looked online for & received news about the boyfriend I referred to two posts below - unfortunately, the news was that he passed away 17 years ago. His niece wrote me with the details - how he was to her as an uncle and how as an organ doner he saved the lives of more than one person when he died. The fact that he is gone came as a shock to me - but as I rifled through old letters from friends & family and photos from the past - in search of something meaningful to send back her way - I was overwhelmed by an undeniable sense of forgiveness, along with the realization that he had a full life & is loved very deeply by his people. I'm not sure what more folks can ask for. I'm grateful to her for sharing so generously. As I wrote to her, I'm glad I knew him.

tales from beyond my means

J & I made some heavy decisions this week. There is a lot of happy goodness that can come from them, but first tough decisions & their inevitable repercussions. I'm basically a happy, grateful person, but in the last few years - it's been easy to be sad, to feel that soft out of focus sorrow that comes with life during troubles.

I called my sister today, to put in a word for getting help before I go in for surgery. I don't have a date picked out, am working on that with a good friend and astrologer. For many people, getting an event date confirmed by an astrologer isn't on the list of to do's, but it's important to me, so here I am.

I'm still painting, in fact, that's a big part of why I want my sister to come help me get things in order. I've got an image of Frida Khalo in her canopied bed, painting away at an easel her family put together for her. If there is some way to duplicate that, I'm interested in making that happen for me.

I spoke with a friend today about how this period of time keeps reminding me of how sad I was when I was 15 years old. I had broken up with my first long-term boyfriend and was a complete mess around it. I had no idea how pleasant and kind relationships could be and it was obvious in how unnecessarily nasty our breakup was. Oddly, he had brought up on more than one occasion that my behavior was similar to stuff he had read about in Eric Berne's book on transactional analysis, Games People Play. I was way defensive about it at 15, but have been been reaching for a more rational, forgiving way to be in relationship since then.

Anyway, at 15 I spent most of my time alone and shut down. Since I'm feeling mighty overwhelmed these days, it gives me pause - I wonder what could've lifted my spirits then, or what could've kept me engaged. I am a very different person now & try hard to deliver on what I say - take my responsibilities seriously, etc. I cannot think of a better group of people than what I have around me now. These things help, but I'm getting to the place where time is the arbiter. I can't make time go faster & can't blank out the time I'm living through now.

This weekend, J & I went to take photos in Edmonds, a coastal town between Seattle & Everett. Moments like that help, knowing we're on the same team helps. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm going to keep trying to do things that stimulate my creativity... things that I get inspiration from. Apart from that, I'll allow myself to follow the waves of emotion, hopefully without unnecessarily stirring up emotions that just want to come along for the ride. There's plenty to handle without that.

Pretty city

Took a ride around West Seattle today. It was truly beautiful. Click the picture if you want to see more.

Workout = feeling better

Ahem, things feel better. Just got back from the gym with J, just 40 minutes of creepy sweating and straining muscles and the world just seems like a better place. hmph.

My studio is clean, eBay is happening, and - if I'm not mistaken - I'll be able to paint tonight (Huzzah!). I've posted heaps of photos from Sunday's wanderings through the abandoned buildings of Snohomish & today's wanderings on Capital Hill. I even updated alla Flickr stuff I can grab with details about the photos.

It's warming up here in the studio, finally & I guess I have an hour or two before I need to knock off. I'm Jr. Mom'ing tomorrow & two two year olds will not have it if I'm tired when I show up in the morning. The rest of the week will be very busy, a nice change of pace.

Grateful, again.

Thanksgiving

I'm a little late on to post on this topic, but want to make sure to get this in. We had a terrific Thanksgiving this year. J's parents came out for the weekend and J & his mom put together an amazing meal. Risotto, collards, turkey, and a blueberry pie for dessert. J & I have birthdays around Thanksgiving, so for our gift, we asked J's mom for help organizing our kitchen. It was terrific fun and very helpful - the best gift in a long time. They left town just before we were snowed in.

Starting with the above, I have much to be thankful for; food to eat, a warm house, good friends and family. I spent a great deal of time this year tracking down a health problem that it turns out has been taking the fun out of living for me & has been around for almost a decade. With help from several doctors, I've been able to get it corrected. This year, I got to enjoy time with my Mom at her 75th birthday. My sister & brother-in-law came out for a visit & we all had a great time together. J got to perform with other semazens at the Lincoln Center. We had the first harvests from our garden. We celebrated our five year anniversary. We are thinking about having children.

My thanks on a larger scale goes out to folks who are holding the light of peace in places where there is little of either. I have heard in these times (which seem dark to me) that the destructive elements are in their dying throes - that it is that truth that makes them seem so violent and overwhelming. I am hoping that with renewed health I can join in with my friends who are more active in voicing their concerns, in looking for answers and applying them. For now, I send out my thanks.

This week is the week of Shebi Arus. We saw the ceremony in Turkey last year at this time. Already a caravan has started in California & folks are traveling to Portland for the big day. J has contributed more this year. I get so excited when I work with these good folks, I lose my perspectives and am not able to identify my limits, which are pretty significant for now. So I am sitting this year out, helping only where I know I can, whatever little that may be. This Saturday there will be a sema ceremony in our part of town. I'm looking forward to taking photos, since I'll be sidelined from joining the dance.

One hour to go

"Alonso of Aragon was wont to say in commendation of age, that age appears to be best in four things, —- old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read." Francis Bacon (from Wikiquote).

In less than an hour, I'll turn 40. Good times.

My mom used to be (rightfully) concerned that I was too interested in being older when I was young, 11 or 12 years old. I wanted to dive into my late teens and the associated risks were not a part of my view of how adults lived. Now that I'm older, I've been excited to reach 40. In my 30's, the last hour of which I'm savoring, I said over and over again how close I was to 40. Six years ago I was saying I was almost 40. I tease my friends about my ongoing enthusiasm for ageing, saying "You know what comes after 40? 50!"

A year or two ago, I thought of all of the people I could thank for their help in demonstrating how I could be a better person; Richie, Beth, Kachi, Richard, all of my friends in San Francisco - Pax, Andruid, Olive, Raisella, Miriam - folks at St. Martin De Porres soup kitchen... my friends now, sisters especially - Laura's example of a very sassy 40 leading the way. We're having a party tomorrow & though it's because of my birthday ostensibly, it's really for all of those folks who continue to show me the way, simply through being themselves.

I didn't get a chance to write out my thanks for Thanksgiving, but they are for all of those folks, named & unnamed. I'm lucky... I know that.

whupps...some of this is tiring

Tough times, if not for me, for many around me. I tire of fighting off the frustrations of the day. I'm looking for something inspiring.

Tough, to see what is coming next. Still, the desire to act is first & foremost & I feel better able to handle contingencies.

It's the holiday season (and day 11 of the 2005 Jason Bennett birthday season), I should say what I'm grateful for:

• Dreams - still enigmatic & rarely simple to reduce
• Family - honestly
• Work - simply aiming to focus more precisely
• Friends - I learn forever from them, their stories sustain me, love amazes me and these challenges test me

I'm pretty sure that everything is contained within that list.

Two days in

I'm on my second day of unemployment & I wish I could say I feel very free, but it's not hit me yet. Having spent the last 5 or so years relying on my force of will to help me achieve what I want, and that's not to say I haven't always relied on my force of will, I'm pooped. Perhaps this job helped me see that I won't always be able to power my way through difficult circumstances, if only because my ability to care for myself diminishes so dramatically when I put will first.

Jason and I have shared meals together & after this weekend, the regular meetings of our friends at our place are presumed to begin their decline. We're hoping to take off next weekend for some R&R, away from city lights & computers.

Thought I'd toss this up before I head out for a sunny afternoon. I've really appreciated the well wishes from many folks who have extended them & am moved by the care that I've received in this time.

More soon...

Finding breadcrumbs

Well, we've been home for a week and I feel our particular version of normalcy returning. All of the big events of the last few weeks have had me churning in the low waves, like the powerful waves of N.C.'s shorelines. I've laughed and cried & been irresponsible & hospitable. I've been amazed at the folks I've seen at their highs & lows.

Jason and I started the celebration for our anniversary last night. It didn't quite take, so we'll keep celebrating that fine day until we feel it maps to our feelings for each other. That's a best case scenario & I'm glad to have that linger for as long as necessary.

My Dad is either in the hospital or back home, will have to check in this weekend. I've kept up with him via phone & wish him the best of luck for his heart surgery. He's certainly been a blessing to talk with.

Work has hit the meat of the work we need to accomplish before the new fiscal year starts. That's a huge accomplishment in itself & I try not to think about how much we are asking hundreds of people to change their view of what they do -- focusing instead on the value of the plans we've been making for the last several months. It's maybe the largest project I've worked on & I'm determined to see it through as best I can.

Zikr hit me where I live & helped me get synched while feeling the most vulnerable to my feelings. The people I got to met & host were beyond lovely - music means so much to me & we were able to hear music throughout the entire weekend, in and outside of our prayer circle.

The wedding we attended surpassed any I've seen before, in terms of beauty and concerted effort. I have high hopes for this new family configuration & will think often of where I'm at in this broad group, of what I can contribute from where I am.

Home is calling me. I have coordinated a new office, where I sit often with my cat & look into the future, a future where I am doing so much more of what I set out to do 5-10 years ago, which is honoring my desire to do art, to do astrology as a profession. Being at home with Jason is always a revelation & the idea that we'll be spending more time together as summer raises it's sleepy head in Seattle is something I have tucked away, like a wish, like a dream.

Today, I'm heading in to finish a few meetings & join co-workers at the new Star Wars movie. I'm completely tired, could sleep for days, but happy to share this kind of time with people who clearly put their hearts & minds into the work that they do.

Tonight, we're looking for photo ops, or I'll stick around the homestead, culling the best photos from the 500 or so I've taken in the past few weeks. An initial review looks promising, but that's not unusual. I'm curious to see the whole cloth of what I've documented & not the super-personal view I usually take -- one, frankly, that allows me to see all but the most obscured photo as a success.

Stunning things from this last few weeks:

The smile on Stephen's face during the vows & when he first danced with his new bride

Connie's attentiveness to me throughout the wedding

Nathan's good cheer and better questions

Bill, in general & in specific

Frances' office

Amy & Jennifer rehearsing vows with their hair in curls and big grins on their faces

Jason & Rachel's toasts to the new couple

My dad saying how proud he is of me & asking me to be who I am, knowing that I am a good person

My mom, totally

Seeing John & Tish, Tish's arm on me -- comforting me during a fit

Dave & Jilda and all that they do (kick ass accordian tape being the most recent hoot)

Don and all of his support, while I figure out what support I need

Matt, for all of the encouragement he gives for me to grow as a biz professional

Jessica, for her thoroughness and good cheer

Andrew, for his accessibility and willingness to address issues

Peter & Courtney,`for their unwavering vision

Justin, for his questions and persistence

Molly, Jason and Shannon -- who do consistently wonderful work & who never shy away from doing more.

Wes, for not giving up

Jason, for his steadfastness and high expectations of me

My sisters, one and all -- sisters are fabulous to have & I don't see a cap for that benefit

Jema -- for being my familiar & for purring loudly in her 15th year, to make her happy, I'd change quite a bit.

Michael, Tsukina & Ezekial, for gently and joyfully entering my heart and not letting me retreat from that lovely contact

Maile, for her incredible spirit and determination

Jelal, for his bottomless generosity and clear sight

Drew and Alex, for their openness and for love

Pam, for her ongoing inspiration and for modeling a life well led

for you reading this

for a life that showers me with the realization of that aching gratitude and the myriad ways it occurs to me to express it.