When life is full...

Spring in Seattle is a rainy affair. I'm heading out with my pal, Moll, to a museum tomorrow after realizing our afternoon at the sculpture garden will be a bit much, considering the weather. Moll and I schedule monthly dates throughout the year & recently were able to reconnect after a year or two of missing each other.

This evening, I'm testing a database mailing system I'm managing on a volunteer basis. After a few false starts, I've sent out the first email test for a big email blast early next month. This is a kick off, of sorts. I'm pushing to move to a new system & so am very interested in the results.

Today, J & I spent time getting the house back together after returning from our trip back east last week. We had the best time in North Carolina, celebrating his mom's birthday. Every day back east was a treat - the birthday stretched from one day to a "birthday season", we got to visit with the imediate family, grandparents, J's uncle and took many walks through Cape Fear's amazing wetlands.

While we were gone, J focused on getting our spring planting plan set up. He'd already cut back the grape vines, weeded the asparagus bed and the artichokes thus far - while I focused on pruning and ornamental plantings. We're hoping to increase our harvest this year; more carrots, potatoes, greens and the like. It would be nice to have more to share.

Before I left, I got a call saying my surgery was canceled for now. The doctor I'm working with sees potential she can't dismiss & although it points to a long slog down the line, it's very good news for me.

Finally, I looked online for & received news about the boyfriend I referred to two posts below - unfortunately, the news was that he passed away 17 years ago. His niece wrote me with the details - how he was to her as an uncle and how as an organ doner he saved the lives of more than one person when he died. The fact that he is gone came as a shock to me - but as I rifled through old letters from friends & family and photos from the past - in search of something meaningful to send back her way - I was overwhelmed by an undeniable sense of forgiveness, along with the realization that he had a full life & is loved very deeply by his people. I'm not sure what more folks can ask for. I'm grateful to her for sharing so generously. As I wrote to her, I'm glad I knew him.

tales from beyond my means

J & I made some heavy decisions this week. There is a lot of happy goodness that can come from them, but first tough decisions & their inevitable repercussions. I'm basically a happy, grateful person, but in the last few years - it's been easy to be sad, to feel that soft out of focus sorrow that comes with life during troubles.

I called my sister today, to put in a word for getting help before I go in for surgery. I don't have a date picked out, am working on that with a good friend and astrologer. For many people, getting an event date confirmed by an astrologer isn't on the list of to do's, but it's important to me, so here I am.

I'm still painting, in fact, that's a big part of why I want my sister to come help me get things in order. I've got an image of Frida Khalo in her canopied bed, painting away at an easel her family put together for her. If there is some way to duplicate that, I'm interested in making that happen for me.

I spoke with a friend today about how this period of time keeps reminding me of how sad I was when I was 15 years old. I had broken up with my first long-term boyfriend and was a complete mess around it. I had no idea how pleasant and kind relationships could be and it was obvious in how unnecessarily nasty our breakup was. Oddly, he had brought up on more than one occasion that my behavior was similar to stuff he had read about in Eric Berne's book on transactional analysis, Games People Play. I was way defensive about it at 15, but have been been reaching for a more rational, forgiving way to be in relationship since then.

Anyway, at 15 I spent most of my time alone and shut down. Since I'm feeling mighty overwhelmed these days, it gives me pause - I wonder what could've lifted my spirits then, or what could've kept me engaged. I am a very different person now & try hard to deliver on what I say - take my responsibilities seriously, etc. I cannot think of a better group of people than what I have around me now. These things help, but I'm getting to the place where time is the arbiter. I can't make time go faster & can't blank out the time I'm living through now.

This weekend, J & I went to take photos in Edmonds, a coastal town between Seattle & Everett. Moments like that help, knowing we're on the same team helps. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm going to keep trying to do things that stimulate my creativity... things that I get inspiration from. Apart from that, I'll allow myself to follow the waves of emotion, hopefully without unnecessarily stirring up emotions that just want to come along for the ride. There's plenty to handle without that.

Arty art art

Had a great conversation with my husband's brother & sister in-law (there's got to be a better way to signify relations) last night. She's fresh from a trip to Peru & so my vicarious lust for travel was fulfilled by her stories & recollections. During the call, I was able to tell him how much I enjoyed his story of his recent attendance at a Charlotte Bobcats game. Jeez, he can write! We caught up about all the goings on in the family. Good times.

This last few weeks have been inspiring, though at times tough. I got to visit with Eero and relive some of our college years, not to mention getting glimpses of the work we do now. Last weekend, I was invited to Yvonne's wedding shower tea, which was lovely & warm. Various projects have been revisited & rekindled, which is a good thing. J & I have taken turns cooking like fiends to keep our house stocked with good eats during the week. Working together with him on the weekends has been a real highlight. I feel like I have a chance to acclimate and hope to use this time to generate some new work, even in seed form.

I'm very hungry to do more work. During the phone call last night, I went through the sort of elaborate process I enjoyed while most artistically productive. There was a point where I began working in sketchbooks, translated those to wood blocks, photos, photocopies, prints and paintings. I'm still stalling over even one piece of that -- I'm beginning to think the content of the work may start out more personal and/or ragged than what I've been working on for the last few years. The other pieces I want to get back to are big & that's just not happening now.

Over time, I've become less candid. Some folks, who hear me talk about things that confuse me may not feel that way, but in comparison to where I started from it is true. If I have to do unskilled and emotionally ragged stuff, it's not likely that I'll share it. Not so much from a place of insecurity, way moreso for the purposes of honoring my own ongoing, developing privacy.

Really seems like it's time to get a move on.